May 5 2013

Call Upon Our Lord!

There are times in my life that I wonder why I am being tested on certain things.  Last week I had to go for re-certification for my CPR license.  Now any other time I have needed to go it didn’t phase me.  This time was different..I remember when work called me and told me what time and where I needed to go.  It has been busy and the reality of that whole phone conversation didn’t register in my head until the night before.  The CPR class was being held at the same place my mom took her last breath.  We had brought mom home to live us shortly after she was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer.  Her morphine pump had ran out and we couldn’t get it filled because the pump itself had expired.  So the Hospice nurse had suggested that we have her taken to the Hospice home so they could give her medication that would help mom with her morphine withdraw.
The night before being scheduled to go for my class I laid in bed crying and debating on just leaving my job because I didn’t want to walk through the very doors that I had to say goodbye to my mom at.  The enemy was on my shoulder playing on my weakness pushing me to just give up.  Laying there the visions of my mom suffering and the memories we had shared running through my head.  I miss my mom and I grieve the loss.  Sometimes I feel I’m going through life with a smile on my face putting up a brave front when deep inside I just long for my mom.  Working in the Health Care field where we go into homes providing care to those with Dementia, Cancer, Brain injury the list goes on and on.  With our goal to provide comfort and give them the opportunity to remain in there own homes.  You might think after awhile it would become easier.
I have always believed that when we went into a persons home I wanted to provide the care they deserved with respect and dignity and in a manner that I would want my own family cared for.  The table had turned and it was now about my family..my mom..never once did I think twice about bringing her into our home and providing care for her.  She is my mom and no matter what my childhood was like it didn’t matter because she wasn’t that person anymore and I had forgiven her.  So Wednesday night as the enemy is trying to play on my weakness I started praying and crying out to our Lord.
The next morning as I drove up to the building the last thing I said as I got out of the car is..”Ok Jesus lets do this!”
Psalm 31:1-3,24
In You, O LORD, I put my trust;Let me never be ashamed; Deliver me in Your righteousness.Bow down Your ear to me,Deliver me speedily; Be my rock of refuge, A fortress of defense to save me.For You are my rock and my fortress; Therefore, for Your name’s sake, Lead me and guide me.
Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD.
It is not that I didn’t feel anything when I walked through those doors.  It’s not that I still didn’t have the enemy tempting me to turn around and leave.  However I had something more powerful and beautiful working within me ..Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  Pulling me through and showing me that I have grown in my Christian walk.  Before I probably would of given into the temptation of the enemy and given up but not this time.   Sometimes when we don’t believe in ourselves our heavenly Father does.  Our test can be to show us we are stronger than our enemy because we have our Faith.  We are clothed in the Armor of God.
Mothers Days is fast approaching.  It will be the first one that I wont be sharing with my mom in the physical form.  I hear her voice and will still grieve but most of all I hope that people around the world that read this understand that we are not guaranteed a tomorrow.  Our God says to honor our Father and thy Mother.  If you are consumed with resentment, anger who is right and who is wrong attitude you will miss out on the blessing God has given each of us.  We should take time each day to show honor and respect towards our parents and share the love with each person we come in contact with as we are commanded to do with a Christ like heart.  It is not how we as Christians see the world but how the world see’s us.
I may not always like the test that are put before me and sometimes wonder how much more can I take!  But I need to remember that for me if God is testing me there is a reason.  It is not for me to question because in the end  it makes me stronger and wiser as a Christian.
Heavenly Father, thank you for the love you give me.  Thank you for the test you put before me and I pray each day I will not disappointment you but that your strength that dwells inside me will pull me through.  I pray that when I do fall I will continue to get back up and face each day knowing I am not alone.  That I am stronger then the enemy because the Holy Spirit is within me. Lord thank you for the sacrifice you made for us.  Thank you for blessing me Father with my mom.  I love her and miss her each day but I know she is not suffering anymore and is in a better place.  I love you Father..Amen.